Winter is coming
it’s time to lock the windows up
To keep the wind and snow out, yes, but also to
seal the inside in

Because we hold hands even when we fight
and mittens would just get in the way

So,

I will build a fire
I will show you how

Winter is coming
though I am getting warmer

Oh little corner of the internet, I’ve neglected you. There’s been lots to talk about, but no time to do it in. Life was too busy happening for me to put my fingers to the keyboard.

I have been busy being happy. What a change, I know. I have been busy tending my heart, which is bursting in the best possible way. I have been busy remembering what it’s like for things to be simple and wonderful, when there are no imbalances to pull the scale to one side and bring you to the ground. The scales aren’t tipping, no, but I have been busy falling.

This, friends, is the kind of feeling that makes you cheer silently when you hit a yellow light in the morning, happy that you get to spend just two extra minutes in the car with her before you have to go your separate ways for the day and face the real world. It is the kind of feeling that other people can see in your eyes. “Your eyes light up when you talk about her,” someone said to me today. “Do you still have hearts floating above your head?” someone else asked.

Yes.

I most definitely do.

There has been sadness lately, too. I won’t mix it into this post, as I too often temper goodness with blue. I only mention it here to say that this is the kind of feeling that makes tragedy bearable. My heart was so, so heavy and my mind was a frozen fuzz – then she showed up, ice cream in hand, and kept me company in my grief. She made me smile just enough that I no longer felt I would shatter, but not so much that I forgot why I was sad. And that may seem like an odd form of perfection, but someone once said that getting over grief entirely and forgetting is the worst thing that could happen. She made things just right.

The way she always does.

Leaves appeared in the gutters overnight, just after the wind changed. Fall makes me wish I had somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and something made of brick. Fires and iron. A Hudson Bay blanket. A driveway, black wood trim and a forest. Someone else.

These arms are a two way street. I am leaving town.

The other night I stopped by the mailbox where Darcy Allan Sheppard was knocked from Michael Bryant’s car and killed.  I brought a bouquet of flowers to add to the memorial that’s grown there – flowers, notes, flashing bike lights and courier order forms. It was sad and it was sobering. Besides the obvious fact that a man was needlessly and violently killed there, there were also a couple of other things about the immediate scene that upset me. The first was that amidst the lovely tributes written from friends and strangers, the most prominent note was a large piece of paper in the centre of the mailbox on which someone had written “WOULD YOU JUST SIT IDLE WHILE A DRUNK CONVICT CYCLIST ATTACKED YOU?”

There are so many things wrong with this, and most of them speak to the bullshit that surrounds this case. The thing that bothered me the most was that this was a memorial, a place for people to pay tribute. It’s not the proper place to smear a victim or air opinions on the situation. There are plenty of other places to do that. The media is fucking lining up to victim blame – I’m sure they’d be happy to take this person’s letter to the editor. But then, they’d have to sign their name on it instead of being a coward and posting it anonymously on a mailbox. Other things wrong with this sign:

1) I don’t think anyone would have expected Bryan to “sit idle” as someone grabbed onto his car. And while the details are still emerging on what exactly happened, one thing is pretty clear. The reasonable thing to do would have been to stop the car and call the police. Driving the wrong way down Bloor Street (one of Toronto’s busiest streets – it’s a miracle only one person was killed) knocking a human being into heavy objects while his shoes sparked on the pavement is in no way approaching a reasonable or justifiable reaction. In my mind, it’s nothing short of psychopathic. Being afraid is not an excuse to treat someone like a human bowling ball.

2) There’s been so much made of the fact that the victim had substance abuse issues and fraud charges in his past. Having problems or making mistakes does not mean you deserve to die. Last time I checked, there was no death penalty in Canada. The fact that some people don’t feel the tiniest bit sorry for the victim because of his social situation is disgusting.

3) Being drunk doesn’t make it ok for someone to run you over with a car. I can guarantee the people who blame the victim for being intoxicated have been drunk at some point in their lives. And I’m sure they wouldn’t think it was ok for someone to run them over with a car.

4) The note conveniently leaves out the fact that the confrontation started because Bryant hit Sheppard’s bike with his car and then tried to drive away. How upstanding of him.

The other thing that was infuriating about the memorial site, was that there was a black Saab parked beside mailbox when I was there. Bryant’s car had long been towed away. I first thought it might have been someone’s idea of a joke, but then later found out it was likely a news organization’s prop. Really? Was that necessary? It’s more than a bit insenstive.

And this isn’t even starting on the larger situation itself. As a cyclist, the anti-cyclist rhetoric is getting to me. Yes, there are bad cyclists out there. I hate them. I want to shout at assholes who ride their bikes through red lights and street festivals. There are also cyclists who follow the rules, just like there are good drivers. There are also terrible drivers. I’ve been almost run over by many of them. Last night I had my closest encounter with almost being sideswiped and it was terrifying. There should not be an issue of cars vs bikes in the city. The issue should be common decency and respect for fellow human beings. Judging by what I’ve been hearing lately, there’s little of that left.

I think one of the major problems with driver/cyclist relations is being highlighted lately. Car drivers think the roads belong to them and it’s not true. Bikes are supposed to ride on the roads. They are allowed to take up an entire lane if they want. Too many car drivers don’t know the rules when it comes to bikes on the roads. I was once waiting to turn left at a red light. I was in the middle of the lane, like I was totally allowed to be. Some guy turned the corner in his SUV and was angry when he couldn’t use my lane (the wrong side of the road for him) because I was there. (His car was too big to manouvre the turn in his own lane.) He swerved around me and as he drove away shouted, “Get off the road you idiot!” I took off after him. I was so fucking angry, I wanted to punch him in his ignorant, cowardly face. I was perfectly within my rights – he was trying to break the law, while screaming at me as though I was in the wrong. I understand the anger of a cyclist. After dealing with bullshit like that all the time, it gets to you. It’s the same anger I felt when someone in a car rear-ended Adrian on his bike, ruining his back wheel, and tried to drive away – until Adrian pointed out he had his license plate and that three patios full of people had seen it. The guy threw him $40 and left. Most people would never consider leaving the scene of a car accident, but when they hit a cyclist it’s somehow ok.

Wow, this is getting long. And I haven’t even started on the spin. So I think I’ll let the Toronto Star say most of it for me. I’m disheartened by how quickly the tide has turned against the victim. It frightens me that so many people think there’s any way to justify something so insane and callous and violent. The spin is mind-boggling and the Star has explained it pretty well. Please read this article – it paints an important, but depressing picture, of how the message is getting worked.

Lastly, I didn’t know where to fit this in, but check out the letter to the editor by this genius.

This unfortunate incident underscores a belief that I have held for some time now that on major thoroughfares, motor vehicles should not be required share the road with bicycles. A car is many times the weight of a bicycle, and can move much more quickly. It is also less manoeuvrable.

We complain about gridlock and our inability to keep traffic moving, yet we allow bicycles to mingle with motor traffic, forcing cars to slow down, and often to shift lanes, to avoid them…

…

Traffic on main roads is often at capacity; and motorists are already under intense pressure to avoid other moving vehicles, parked vehicles and pedestrians. Permitting bicycles to weave through such traffic, and demanding that motorists watch for and yield to these bicycles, is unrealistic.

As efficient and economical as bicycles are, they are different creatures from cars; and we have not yet reached the status of Beijing, or even Amsterdam, in which bicycles are the majority or a very large minority, and can therefore significantly influence traffic patterns.

Regrettably, on Toronto’s roads, such accidents are bound to happen. I’m not sure what the solution is; but what we’re currently doing is not working, and it’s bound to get worse.

Emphasis mine. How helpful. So because you have the money for a car, you’re entitled to use of all the most convenient roads in the cities? And the rest of us poories on bikes should just…. do what? Ride on the side streets, with the maze of one-ways? Stay home? Fuck you.

This weekend = best ever. No joke. I am too tired and worn out from happiness to write much of a post. But I will say that there are very few musical acts that I consider genius. And somehow, I saw two of the ones that I do consider genuis this weekend (the Pixies and Nine Inch Nails). Kim Deal’s voice must be what angels sound like, because no one else on earth can sing like that. Every song the Pixies played was catchy and energetic and perfect. There are no words for the Nine Inch Nails show. They ripped out rarities and old songs and new songs and played so much from the Broken EP. “Gave Up” was too much for me to handle, as were The Wretched and Wish.

Then. They played. “La Mer.”

I’m not sure I can express how fucking amazing that is. La Mer is an instrumental track from The Fragile (well, instrumental live. It has French lady vocals on the album.) It is one of the most gorgeous songs of all time and I never, ever, ever, ever thought I would hear them play it live. It’s all piano and beats and It’s not really the kind of song most bands pull out at a big festival. But Nine Inch Nails can pull it off. And they did. So much so that I thought I might cry, except I was dancing too much for that.

My instinct is often to hold onto things from the past that I don’t need anymore. If I’m lucky, if they’re lucky, I will put them in a box in the back of my closet. I might look at them once more in my life.

If I put them away haphazardly, on a shelf, in plain view, they won’t last as long. I will quickly realize how superfluous they are. They will get in my way. I will become annoyed with the lack of order and the messiness. Papers without a use, outdated technology, memories I don’t really need to remember.

And so, the more I look, the more I realize what needs to be culled. If I let them hang around, I will want them to go.

And so, I listen and think and pay close attention to the words and events at the outer edges of my mind. And suddenly, I know I won’t miss them anymore.

I clean house.

I say goodbye.

I start fresh with so much more space for lovely things.

Onwards.

…starring the man across the street.

So today I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, after having fixed my computer issues and successfully altered the dress I bought, after the seamstress I went to said she couldn’t help me. (Well, the dress is almost done. A couple more stitches and it will be perfect.)

Then I decided to go change my bike tire. Changing a bike tire is not fun or easy. It’s difficult to pry off the rim. I had gotten the tire off and was in the process of replacing the tube, when I noticed that my neighbour from across the street had moved from watching me from his front porch, to standing on the sidewalk in front of me, staring at me. Then he says:

“Have you ever changed a tire before?”

WHAT THE FUCK? Did no one ever teach you manners? If you’re about to offer help, that’s not the way to do it. He might as well have said “You are a moron.” Except he wasn’t about to offer to help.

“Yep,” I replied. He stood there staring at me some more. I had nothing else to say to him. I thought he might explain himself.

“Well, you have a new technique.” He did not mean this in a nice way. He meant it in a sarcastic, belittling way. As in, “you’re doing it wrong.” Or “you are a moron.”

“Well, yeah, I’ve changed the tires on this bike before,” I said, pretty standoffishly. At this point, I wasn’t even trying to be polite. I don’t know if he thought I was going to ask for help, but I sure as hell was not. Mostly because I didn’t need it. Partly because of his attitude.

Eventually he wandered back over to his porch and continued to watch me from there, smirking. Which stressed me out and made me feel like I had a countdown clock on as I finished putting the tire back on. But I got it back, fairly quickly and efficiently. I’m not above asking for help when I need it, but I also like doing things for myself when I can. And I can change a bike tire, thanksverymuch.

Frig people make me mad sometimes.

Today I finally managed to write down all the shows I want to see in the next couple of months. (Thanks iPhone calendar! You’re so easy to use!) There were so many that I couldn’t keep track. I probably missed some. But this is a prelimary list of what’s coming up – if you’re planning on going to any of these, or would like to go, let me know. We can be concert buddies! Yay concerts!

August 29th and 30th – V-Fest + The Latency at the CNE
September 11 – Benga @ Mod Club
September 19 – Japandroids @ Horseshoe
September 23 – Miike Snow @ Wrongbar
September 27 – Skream @ Wrongbar (I am NOT missing him this time around.)
October 9 – Rusko @ Mod Club
October 14 – The Gossip @ The Opera House
October 18 – Shonen Knife @ the Horseshoe
October 26 – David Gray and Lisa Hannigan @ Massey Hall
October 27 – Mum @ the Opera House
November 4 – Modeselektor @ Mod Club

This is going to cost me a lot of money. Shit.

I’m tired and my brain is getting lazy and my thoughts slip and I think

Tell me that story again. The remembrance of hearing it overwhelms me. Tell me that story again, that one that lets me know you’re so much like me. I had forgotten about that and I wish it had stayed that way.

I’m tired and my brain is getting lazy and my thoughts are slipping and I need to go to sleep so I don’t think

It’s always surprising how happy little things can make you. It’s also interesting how much seemingly small ways of organizing yourself can impact your actions.

For instance, the other day I finally put my basket on my new bike. I had been putting it off for months because I was afraid of taking the front wheel off and then not being able to put it back on properly. Silly, I know. So I put my basket on my bike and rode to Kensington to get a whole bunch of fruits and veggies, instead of going to the No Frills around the corner like I normally would. Putting my basket on my bike has ushered in a new era of grocery shopping, which is, ironically, and old timey type of shopping – the kind where I go to a produce store for veggies, a bakery for bread, a cheese store for cheese… you get the idea.

And, a little while ago, I bought some CD shelves. FINALLY. They were cheap and we put them in Sydney’s car and drove them to my apartment. I got two, and they each have 14 compartments that fit about 20 CDs. 20×28 – that’s a lot of CDs. I took all of my CDs out of the CD binder they were in and put them back in their cases and on the shelves. So first, this situation facilitates putting everything in alphabetical order because you don’t have to move every CD one at a time when you want to add a new one, like with the binder. Second, it’s put all of my CDs out in the open, right beside my computer, so I can see everything I have at a glance. Maybe it was laziness on my part before, but now that they’re out there it’s amazing how much more I listen to my CDs than when they were hidden from view. It’s like a whole world of new old music has opened up!

So basically, I’m a nerd who gets excited about organizing things. We are who we are!